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Steph Curry’s Only Flaw

Steph Curry is the most popular basketball player in the world right now.

At the moment he can do no wrong. The reigning MVP of the league has just had the best shooting regular season of all time and under Andrew Bogut’s great leadership has helped the Golden State Warriors to 73 wins, the best record in NBA history

His popularity is assisted by the perception that his game is theoretically replicable by the mere mortals watching him in the stands and on the TV because he isn’t overly athletic or a seven foot monstrosity. In other words, we can dream about being like him and the dream remains semi believable!

This darling of the league is so beloved that most NBA fans have adopted the Warriors as at least their second favourite team, and are happy to see them win. All this despite the fact that they have already won a championship last season. They are not yet seen as a tall poppy deserving of being cut down. It seems the good will towards this team is so strong that Steph Curry and his Warriors could win two or three more before the grumbles about them would get loud enough for anyone to hear this side of the black stump.

But Steph Curry is undeserving of this uncritical adulation normally reserved for North Korean dictators.

Why? Because he openly insults almost everyone on the planet.

Take what he says in this video (and in many post game interviews):

There are two things wrong with what he says here which show why people need leave the conga line of sycophants waiting for their turn to lick his arse:

  1. He thinks the court is his pulpit

Curry openly admits that his little gesture he often makes after a successful field goal is a message to those watching that he is playing with and for god. This self confessed proselytising is a grievous breach of the sacred principle known as the ‘Separation of Church and Sport’.

The problem here isn’t that Curry is religious. There’s no problem with that. If you want to be a card carrying member of the happy clappy, bible thumping, writhing on the floor when a sweaty middle aged white guy with a bad haircut touches your forehead crowd, be my guest. Just keep that crap out of the sporting arena.

2. He claims his talent is a blessing from god

We’ve all heard the childhood insult, ‘When god was handing out brains, you misheard and thought he said trains, so you asked for a slow one’. Most of us responded to this with a half hearted guffaw and moved on with our lives. Steph Curry has obviously taken the concept that God gave us all of our abilities as a literal truth.

He asserts that the praise for his basketball talents (of which there is plenty) should be directed to God. This might seem a rather benign and perhaps even admirably humble position to make, but I am here to tell you it is more despicable than a half drunk can of emu export.

Here’s three reasons why:

For starters it underplays the many hours of training and practice that HE has done HIMSELF without any divine intervention.

It also fails to give due credit to his parents (or to be more specific the cheap bottle of passion pop that Dell plied to open Sonya’s legs 29 years ago) and the genetic lottery he won by being their son. To illustrate, even his brother who got the crappy leftover genes after Steph was made is good enough to play in the NBA.

More importantly, if it was god that blessed him with his basketball talent then logic dictates that god chose not to bless the rest of us with said talent. Curry is basically apologetically acknowledging that God simply didn’t like the rest of us quite as much. And what about people that are born retarded, the physically deformed, holocaust victims, or Sacramento fans? Curry clearly believes that God must really fucking hate those people.

So I have two messages:

To the vast majority of you: dispense with the illusion that Curry is perfect and worthy of your unquestioning adoration.

And to Steph Curry: stop being a cunt.

Doc Lances Lance, Now Looking Green

G’Day readers,

The NBA Trade period has now passed and the deadline was met with a feckless string of deals which saw a few deck chairs swap Titanics. However one deal stood out as a game changer. The Los Angeles Clippers acquired Jeff Green in exchange for Lance Stephenson and a first round pick. This deal is viewed with skepticism by many outside the four walls of Clipperland, but from within there is optimism that this is the move that will finally push them over the hump.

In order to hush the skeptics, the Clippers have exclusively released to The Shirtfront text messages between the two key decision makers in the organisation. It is hoped that this will show to the world the incredible depth of analysis, research, and due diligence that went in to making this important trade. Perhaps after reading these messages, the people can finally stop picking on the poor old Clippers:

Doc1                                     doc2

 

 

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How AFL Can Save the Middle East

Every time I watch SBS news, when I accidentally press the wrong button on my remote control, I get depressed. The Middle East seems to be one troubled part of the world. Israel, Iraq, Syria, Libya, Egypt, Birmingham; all of these places seem to have one recurring theme: young men killing other young men. As a lover of sports, there is nothing more tragic than seeing generations of potential sporting stars cut down by bloodshed and violence. For decades experts have endeavoured to pinpoint the cause of all this turmoil and governments have tried to solve it. Land, oil, access to water, and religion have all been cited as reasons for the near constant violence in the region. They are all wrong. The real culprit is soccer, and I propose AFL as the potential solution. Our visionary Prime Minister Tony Abbott needs to amalgamate the ministry of Sports with Foreign Affairs just as he brilliantly did with Industry and Science. This is because our current approach towards the Middle East – to send soldiers over there – is not working. Yes indeed we need “boots on the ground” as President Obama recently said, but I say they need to be footy boots, not standard army issue. We need to send gun blokes with Burleys over to the war torn regions of the Middle East, not burly blokes with guns.

We need blokes like this…

…not this

Frustration Manifests Violence, and Nothing is More Frustrating than Soccer

Soccer is synonymous with frustration. For starters, it must be mightily frustrating that soccer forbids the use of your hands. The first love of most young boys is their own hand. Many frustrating days during adolescence could be relieved with a quick visit to Mrs Palmer and her five lovely daughters. Again, soccer boys are taught that using your hands is forbidden and consequently the pent up frustration builds until one day you descend into a murderous rage when the last item in your supermarket groceries needs a price check. In addition, nothing lets off a little steam for players and fans alike than celebrating a goal, but unfortunately in soccer it is interminably hard to score goals. Many exciting forward thrusts are disallowed by the terrible offside rule. Result? A frustrated mass of people who leave the arena and may decide to take out that frustration by tipping over a few police cars. If, instead, AFL was the sport of choice, players could enjoy the simple pleasure of a ball in their hands and there would be goals aplenty for supporters of both sides to cheer, letting that restless energy out in a much more peaceful manner. If you think this hard hitting sports journo is drawing a long bow, I present the Australian Aborigines as my evidence. They, like many in the middle east are a proud and ancient culture that has been trodden over by the power and influence of the west. They too are often the victims of prejudice and vilification. They also have their spiritual beliefs ignored, disrespected and insulted, such as when tourists routinely climb Uluru despite the requests of the local indigenous population that they don’t. But you never hear about constant indigenous sectarian violence. Why? Because Aboriginals take out their many frustrations by kicking bum on the football field. The Middle East needs a good dose of AFL to relieve their frustrations.

Soccer Encourages Violence

Some yank head doctor in  the 1950’s called BF Skinner proved that our young can be easily “conditioned” to become predisposed to certain behaviours. Clearly this is at play here with soccer, condemning legions of young boys to a lifetime of violent behaviour. Firstly the ball is an unhelpful shape. As it is round, it bears a resemblance to the human head, therefore conditioning these kids to think that a head is something that should be violently assaulted. By contrast, an AFL football is red oval shaped object, not dissimilar to a woman’s labia, and the object of the game is to move it towards the four large erections at either end of the ground. This humble hard hitting journo submits this is a far healthier thing for young boys to be conditioned to do. Secondly, if a soccer player commits a gross act of violence on the pitch, far from being punished, they are actually rewarded by being given a shiny coloured card! To make matters worse, if the player collects enough of these cards, they are rewarded with an extended holiday. AFL on the other hand will rob players of the Brownlow medal even for tiny, innocuous, accidental head high contact. Thirdly, the two most popular soccer teams in the Middle East are English Premier League teams that have the provocative nicknames “The Red Devils” and “The Gunners”. The negative influence these terrible names must make on the easily influenced youth cannot be overstated. AFL have much more benign team nicknames, apart from the Essendon Bombers, they are the least liked team in the AFL, especially since the allegations of systemic abuse of banned substances were made. Finally, a tackle in soccer is a sliding kick into a player’s ankles. A tackle in AFL is a wrap around bear hug. Clearly AFL conditions boys to be lovers, whereas soccer conditions them to be fighters.

So if Tony Abbott was able to introduce AFL into the Middle East, I believe it would spread like wildfire, relieving the frustration, the violence and the heartache for all those living there. So Prime Minister, all you need to do is send Gazza into Gaza, and a Nobel Peace Prize is yours for the taking.

AFL in the Middle East: it’s a match made in heaven.

 

 

 

The Next Rule Change the AFL Should Make

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I consider myself a staunch AFL traditionalist. And given how traditional it has been for the AFL to tinker with the rules of our great game it is without shame that I submit a proposal for consideration. West Coast Club legend John Worsfold was laughed out of town when he raised the idea of zoning; where three players from each team would have to remain in each forward 50 arc. I agree with the majority of opinion that this specific proposal is a bad idea. This is mainly due to the fear that we would be slowly turning our great game, the symbol of the Aussie male machismo, into something resembling Netball. However within Worsfold’s proposal is the germ of a good idea. What if the three was simply reduced to one? What if there had to be just one player from each team in each forward 50 at all times? I believe that this would be a winner of a rule change for five reasons:

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Brownlow Scoop: How the Umpires Decide Who Wins Charlie and Why Matt Priddis Deserved His

The AFL’s most distinguished individual honour, the Charles Brownlow Medal, has always been shrouded in a layer of secrecy. This humble hard hitting sports journo wishes to educate the public about the machinations behind this award so that there is no longer consternation about any future winners.

This medal, theoretically awarded to the best and fairest player of the regular season, seems to follow a straight forward system: In each match, at the conclusion of the game, the three officiating umpires will decide who the three best players were and subsequently award three votes to the best player, two votes to the second best player and one vote to the third best player. These votes are then sealed in an envelope and sent to a safe in AFL house, where it is locked away, not to be opened until the conclusion of the regular season.

While this may seem a perfectly reasonable way of determining the best performed player in any given season, eyebrows have been raised when unheralded players win the coveted prize such as Scott Wynd, Shane Woewodin, and most recently, Matt Priddis. While you might see these results as ludicrous, this hard hitting sports journo submits that this is an unfair, overly simplistic view. If one questions the worthiness of these players to win the Brownlow, then it betrays in them a fundamental lack of understanding of the sophisticated nuances of our great game.

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NBA Power Rankings, Shirtfront Style: Drawing a line through 27 teams.

It’s October and that means one thing: footy fans like me are having serious withdrawals and are so hungry for decent sport we could chew the crotch out of a low flying duck, metaphorically speaking of course. Some folks get their sporting fix by turning their attention to the Spring Carnival races, but unless you have money invested, no one really cares which horse actually wins. Others look to the cricket, but there are many who don’t like waiting five days only to find out the result is a draw.

All this makes the NBA, the world’s premier basketball competition, an attractive option for many. There’s plenty of teams to choose from, there’s a game on virtually every night for 9 months, and, thanks to the concept of overtime, a winner is guaranteed each game. As an added bonus there are also plenty of shirtfronts to watch, which this humble hard hitting freelance sports journo particularly enjoys.

The start of every season is a unique time for fans. It is filled with optimism and high expectations. Even the worst teams have reason to brighten their Hale and Paces. You see, only five players are ever on the court at one time, and that means even the most dysfunctional teams can quickly become contenders by swapping just one or two mugs out for a couple of studs.

However as the professional hard hitting freelance sports journo I am, I’ve done some extensive research into all 30 NBA teams and I have some bad news for quite a few fans. Now it is said that there are very few certainties in life; death, taxes, Richie Benaud. Here at The Shirtfront I think there are a few more than the oft quoted ones aforementioned. For instance, I can confidently say, without a shred of doubt, that 27 of the 30 NBA teams have ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE of winning the title this season. And in case the bold font didn’t stress the point enough I really do mean no chance. Absolutely 0% chance. Not even a snowflake’s chance in a flatulent man’s bedspread.

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The Seven Sins of Steve Smith

It’s an incredible achievement to be selected as a member of the Australian Test Cricket Team. It’s easier to win lotto (thousands of living winners), get elected to Federal Parliament (226 spots up for grabs every three years), and even to have sex with Lara Bingle (hundreds I reckon in that club, yours truly included!). Only 439 blokes in history have had the privilege to don the coveted Baggy Green, and most of those only got to wear it on the field less than a handful of times. Consequently it is very important that this honour not get sullied by selecting and persisting with talentless hacks. To do so would be to insult the legends who made the silly looking and impractical  piece of head gear so feared by our rivals. This humble hard hitting sports journo thinks that such an act of sacrilege has been perpetrated, in the form of selecting and keeping Steve Smith in the Test side for so long.

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To follow is a list of seven reasons why Steve Smith is an embarrassment to Australian Cricket and should be axed from our premier cricket team as soon as possible:

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